Sometime the hardest thing to do is to face yourself. Last winter, as I prepared for Lent, I asked the Lord what He wanted me to do. "Declutter," I heard in my heart. So I embarked on a journey of what I thought would be decluttering my home that Lent. I went through drawers, closets and shelves each day for a couple of weeks. Little by little bags were being taken to the garbage or to St. Vincent de Paul. It was a great feeling to be rid of things we no longer needed. Then God changed courses on me unexpectedly.
"I want you to declutter your heart" I heard one day. I gulped.
"Who? Me?" I was taken aback. Silence. "I guess it is me," I thought. "What do I need to declutter?" I asked.
"Pride. Envy. Vanity. Perfection. Low self-esteem. Fear."
Ouch! I was not expecting that! If that pained me, what was it doing to Jesus? From that moment on, I felt like I was being pruned down to a small brown stub. I learned a lot about myself. Pride was a motivator in much of my actions. I was being called to rethink many decisions that were made. Were those decisions being made because God wanted me to do those things or was it because I really wanted to do those things for the praise and acclamations?
The hardest moment was when I had to literally face myself in the mirror and say "It's alright to make mistakes." Sounds simple when you aren't a prideful perfectionist. I could hardly look at myself, let alone speak the words. But slowly I voiced those words. The smallest sound came out of my mouth. Then I said it again. My voice was a bit stronger. I repeated those words over and over, each time getting louder. "It's alright to make mistakes" I said through tears until I could look at myself the way that God looks at me.
Freedom. Sweet Freedom. The tears stopped and the laughter began. I was free. I was finally free. I was giddy as a school girl.
It's been a year now. Life changing decisions were made. I faced a lot of demons, criticism and disappointment head on. I came out on the other side stronger for it. As Lent approached this year, I wasn't dreading it like other years. I found that the daily gospel readings were touching my heart like no other time before. I wasn't reading the words with my intellect. I was reading with my heart.
It takes courage to be the woman that God called me to be and not the woman that the world wants me to be. As long as I am doing God's will, I will be able to face myself in the mirror and say with a smile, "It's alright to make mistakes."
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1 comment:
How right you are about how hard it is to face yourself! And making mistakes, I totally get that. This is a beautiful post, and I thank you for sharing! :) Blessings to you.
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